apologies

Yes, I know, I've been slacking here... but with good reason! With the job market drying up + the economy right there with it, I've been working on a frugal-friendly Internet venture that will (fingers crossed!) be launching on Wednesday, July 1st. So I'll be neglecting this site until that one is up and running... and after that point, I'm migrating this site to Wordpress, now that I've become a self-trained expert at self-hosting, theme design & integration, and a zillion other elements of "things you must learn if you want to start your own relevant, helpful, and profitable website."

Stay tuned. I'm SUPER excited about this new chapter of my life -- it's going to be either a spectacular success or a humiliating false-start, and I'm seriously praying for the former. And I hope you'll visit me there -- I'll be making the official announcement on Wednesday (as well as starting my Facebook and Google AdWords campaigns...). Whee!!!!

future concerns

It's been ten months since I've visited New York City, the longest span of time I've stayed away since 2006. This isn't so much by choice but circumstance, as being unemployed isn't the best time to spend money on frivolous things -- and what are my visits to NYC other than frivolous? It's not as though there's a job -- or relationship -- there, and despite my frequent visits I really only know a handful of people who live there. No, it's more a feeling I get when I go -- and one I've missed quite a bit the past few months. I'd like to go next month -- in July -- as the thought of it having been a year (an entire year!) since visiting seems intolerable. Even if it's 363 days since I last went -- well, that's not a year.

But there's a job on the horizon. I've got a 2nd interview for an online marketing position that sounds exciting and promising, and if I'm offered the job I do believe I'll accept. That is, if I can get over the fear of commitment to an office job, something I've not had since the summer of 2001. Eight years is a long time to go without being tied down to someone else's schedule and parameters and supervision. And honestly? I don't know if I can do it -- I'm already planning to ask if telecommuting is a viable option one or two days a week -- and it scares the bejesus out of me, even more than being in a functioning relationship that's going somewhere.

Speaking of which, I asked JS tonight if he could see himself moving to New York in the future. With all of our talk about moving in together (and marriage, since I've been blunt and honest that I won't again do one without the other), the white elephant in the living room is the plan I have to move to NYC when Rebel graduates from high school. Since he's entering 4th grade this year, we've got a few years to move in that direction, but still... I can't see myself walking down that path with someone who's unwilling to help me realize my dreams. And then I start thinking I'm selfish to ask someone who's lived in Chicago his entire adult life (he'll be 48 this August) to pick up and move when he'll be in his mid-50s just because NYC "feels" better for me. But I also think that I've been up-front about this from Day One, and maybe it's just one of those many quirks I have, something he'll accept and go along with because he loves me and, after all, it's not like NYC is Montana or Nebraska or (God forbid) LA.

Whatever happens, I know that if I were to marry JS and we were to start a life together in which NYC was off the table? I'd be very sad, and I'd feel as though I were compromising the person I was in order to become something I'm not. I don't know if all relationships require that sort of compromise, but the romantic in me says they don't. The pragmatist, though? Well, she's never happy anyway, so who cares what she thinks?

All I suppose I can do is follow my heart (in many directions at once, as impossible as that seems) and trust my intuitions. There isn't any indication at all that JS will be stubborn on this point -- he said as much this evening -- and as for the job and such? I'll have to trust my intuition on that one, too. Even if I am terrified I'll be settling in more ways than one, there are no rewards without risks, no? Namaste.

bullet-in'

• I've been sugar-free (for the most part) for nine days now. The withdrawal has been horrendous, and the cravings are (to say the least) intense. And let's not even go into how it feels like PMS times a BILLION. If I hadn't lost 5 pounds already, I'd be compelled to say to hell with it all. And even then, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought, "who cares about being skinny and healthy? gimme the chocolate!" at least a dozen times.
  
• The job search? Not so hot. The most promising one... well, I was interviewed by the stuffy British CEO and I think he didn't get my sense of humor, particularly when I was asked why "Dating/Relationships" was No. 2 on my list of topics of personal expertise (from a list of about 15; Parenting/Family was No. 1). "Any single or divorced woman in her mid-30s is an expert on that," I said. He just looked at me funny. Ah, well.
• JS and I continue to get along marvelously. He's weathering The Sugar Storms quite admirably, which says quite a bit. Today we celebrated Renegade's 12th b-day (it was on June 6th), and after all failed attempts to do something interesting and fun (the boys were more interested in the "free snacks" aspect of the Kids' Dance Party at The Hideout than the DJ, vintage cartoons, or dancing), he pulled into Target, bought some sports gear, and steered us to Welles Park for an afternoon outdoors. Beyond being relieved that he saved the day, I was touched that he wanted to save the day rather than deposit all of us on my doorstep and drive away -- quickly -- because I certainly wouldn't have blamed him.
  
• Tomorrow, I will be taking four children to Navy Pier. I think this is cause for questioning my sanity. But that's what Renegade wanted to do with his friends for his birthday, and so I follow his lead. I hope he remembers these sorts of things when I'm 92 and need my diapers changed.
  
• I paid $99 to get my van detailed yesterday, and it was worth every penny. They did an excellent job -- check out the Norwood Hand Car Wash (on Northwest Highway a bit south of Devon) or their sister location, Norwood 2 Hand Car Wash, at 5462 N. Damen; they also offer interior/exterior wash for a reasonable fee.
• Rebel spilled orange juice all over the kitchen floor today, and I'm saddened that my first instinct was to get irritated and upset. The poor kid was just trying to help himself without bothering me, and that was unfair. I apologized, but I think I need to try better to remember that we're all just doing the best we can.
  
• I need a new coffee table, and it is a reminder that nothing is more frustrating than knowing what you want but not how to describe it and having a suspicion that you'll just know it when you see it. Craigslist is my friend.
  
• Tuesday I'm having cortisone and anesthetic injections into my back with the hope that this will once and for all cure my back pain and problems. Uh, we'll see.
  
• I paid $15 extra to send my father his Father's Day present via overnight mail, as I mistakenly believed today was Father's Day and panicked sometime Thursday afternoon. Oops -- but maybe I'll win Daughter of The Year for being so much on the ball.
  
• Had a chance to see The Beach Boys at Ravinia tonight, but I bailed around 4pm -- I'm exhausted and all I want to do is lie on my couch and watch episodes of house on Hulu.com.
  
• I really want a candy bar...