the best thing heard all day

JS, today: "If you are ever unsure or worried about the future and how things will turn out, remember that I love you and positively adore you. Fall right back into that, and everything will always be okay."

Later in the evening, we kissed in the rain, under a green umbrella, and my toes got wet and I didn't even care. I've always known how love ends, but I never paid attention to how it starts. This thing I'm building and cultivating with JS makes all the previous endings worth this one glorious beginning.

more bullets

• My sciatica is so bad that I cannot even walk. I'm going to the physiatrist in about 30 minutes, where (with any luck) I'll get cortisone shots. Or a bullet to the head. It's that bad, and not even full-body massages from JS are helping.
• Speaking of JS, the swooning continues. If we're not married by the end of the year, I'll eat my hat. Or become a nun. Things are that perfect, yes they are.
  
• And speaking of him even more, we're going on a staycation this evening to the InterContinental Hotel on Michigan Avenue. The fantasy continues.
• Part-time freelance work is falling into place. This is good. The idea of having to get a real job frightens me.
  
• And I am writing a novel.
  
• With any luck, I will not have to work a real job ever again.
  
• This is good.
• It leaves much time for staycations, cuddling, and swooning.
  
• Namaste.
  

remembering

Today marks nine years since my grandmother died. People say it gets easier over time, but that's not entirely accurate. It is more true to say that the pain and grief stop being messy toddlers who need constant attention, leaving you yearning for relief, and start to disappear for longer stretches, more like college freshmen heading out into the world with little grace and lots of gumption. But even grown children come home from time to time, and they bring with them the history and reminders of all the years that have come before. And so it is with this sadness. Just when I think I've packed it up, sent it on its way, and paid my dues, it shows up on my doorstep with a few bags of dirty laundry.

Before my grandmother died, I'd never lost anyone close to me before. I haven't since, either. And when it happens again -- as it will -- I am sure I will be no more prepared for the grieving process. The only thing I can say with any sort of certainty is that it's a path we all have to take, one that is both not as easy as we hope nor as treacherous as we fear. It's just life, carried on by human beings who love each other -- and deeply miss each other when leave-taking occurs, for whatever reason.

My folly lies in believing that one day the grief will have dissipated so completely that I'll be able to think of my regrets and missed opportunities and all of the things my grandmother would have loved to have seen without choking up or feeling even a twinge. This sort of thinking has never done me well; it's the same logic that had me believing grown-ups knew how to be sad without crying or, if they did, had mastered the technique of doing so silently, behind closed doors, where no one could see their pain. Today I know that the best crying involves hearty sobs, curling up in a ball on my bed or in the bathtub, wailing, lots of snot, and a fresh box of Kleenex. Anyone who says different just hasn't had the opportunity yet. Namaste.

[Other posts about grieving my grandmother include: loss... (2006); springtime grief and longing (2007); and i miss her most while sitting in diners at lunchtime (2008).]

catching up, bullet-style

• Blogging's been harder now that I'm not working and I don't feel compelled to turn on my computer. It's easier to check my email with my phone and blow off any real correspondence until I can't put it off any longer. However, I am trying to launch a new website (I've already got the doman and hosting stuff down, as well as the content, and need to just go ahead and design the damn thing already), with a tentative "live" date of May 1, so I better get hustling. And so I might be blogging more, but who knows?
  
• Today was Day #5 of my 30-Day Shred, and it was a breeze compared to Day #1. The first couple of days were horrid... I was in pain walking up and down my stairs, and all I really wanted to do was lie in bed and moan. JS gave me a massage Saturday morning, which helped tremendously, and yesterday's workout was a breeze. I might move up to Level Two a couple of days early if Level One continues to be this easy for me...
• JS and I went to Berger Park today to scope out space for my graduation party. It was exactly what I wanted -- a 103-year-old mansion with hand-tiled floors, beautiful woodwork, and stained glass windows. We'll be renting the dining room and sun room (which overlooks Lake Michigan) for four hours. Later this week, we'll be sampling foods from different caterers and settle on the one who's able to make the best vegan cupcakes. This is a challenge, one I am thoroughly prepared to face.
• Speaking of JS, things continue to move forward and upward. I never thought I'd feel as though I were inside of a fairy tale, but I do now. We're going to NYC together in June. We might also be getting married while we are there. More on that later.