meh

My graduation ceremony went well, though I've been super emotional and can't seem to get out of this funk. Uncle Eddie blew me off for brunch (he had to work and missed the ceremony itself, but said he'd show up to meet us for the meal, and didn't), and the kids were being, well, kids all day. I did make a trip to the cemetery where my grandmother is interred, and I made amends with her, but that wasn't necessarily an emotional panacea for the overwhelming sense of loneliness I've felt all weekend. All my life, the people upon whom I've supposed to be able to depend have left me largely abandoned, and the ones I've chosen to be part of my life as friends or lovers tend to be fallible more often than not. JS is fine, but when I'm feeling like this, all out of sorts, and he forgets that we've got something planned, or postpones it until later in the day when I've been banking on being able to relax and get to bed early makes me want to withdraw and say "fuck it" to everything and everyone. Except that's not what I really want -- it's what I feel like doing in order to protect myself and never be hurt and always be left lonely. But I've already made a conscious decision that such a path is the wrong one.

And so I'm vulnerable and sensitive and not quite right... and it sucks. I'm tired of crying on the bathroom floor and snapping at the boys. I want people to always show up when and where they say they will, and I want consistency and predictability. I also happen to want a fairy godmother, and she can't come a minute too soon. It's too bad such people don't actually exist. Sigh.